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A while back, I gave a dinner party for a friend whose guest list got out of hand, and I wound up having to put some people indoors and some outdoors. I spent days over my seating charts, working out who should sit inside, who outside, who close to the band, who close to the bathroom, who far from the bar, who at whose table, and then who next to whom.
It was an earnest attempt to give all of the guests their optimum chance of happiness during the hours that they would be stuck in close proximity.
On the evening of the dinner, during the melee that the cocktail hour became and while I was pinned at the front door receiving guests, a certain person slipped outside and swapped her place card and her escort's with two others at a different table. The rearrangement threw together two women who should have been kept apart, so that the table got loud and mean; the other affected table then had nobody exciting, so they turned dull and sullen, with their noses out of joint. I didn't know what had happened until it was too late to do anything. I was fit to be tied.
Why does seating arrangement matter so much? Because if we don't seat our guests thoughtfully, the party is liable to fall apart, and the food, the wine, and the flowers will be pretty much a waste.
Whether the guests will be served or will serve themselves, we should try to seat them around a table. The party will be ever so much nicer and more fun. One is grateful not to have to balance plate on lap while crouching on a low ottoman or a stairstep. And a seated dinner should mean that one can hope to enjoy compatible and interesting dinner partners. "Just sit wherever you want" is not okay; it is cowardly.
For an informal gathering of up to eight friends, it's perfectly fine to stand in the dining room and tell everyone where they are to sit. For more than eight, use place cards. I prefer simple folding place cards, creamy white or with a tiny border, except at Christmastime, when I get a little festive. Fancy place card holders are not necessary -- just more silver to keep polished. It's all right to put place cards on top of the napkin, if the napkin is set on the plate. But then it has to be moved. I usually start the meal with something already on the plate, so I set the place cards on the table directly above the service plate, with the napkin beside the fork.
At a rectangular table of eight, 12, or 16, either two men or two women have to sit at the ends in order to keep it boy-girl, boy-girl. I like parties of 10 best, so that my husband and I may sit at the head and at the foot. But when we have eight to 12 to dinner, I put the gentlemen of honor in my place at the foot of the table, and take the place just to his left, which keeps him on my right. (Are we confused enough yet?)
Round dining tales remove the "multiples of four" problem but also any sense of intimacy, as talking informally across the table is impossible. When the dinner is informal and everyone is on intimate terms, seating should be based on what's most pleasant for everyone. In the wintertime, I sit with my back to the fireplace.
Now that we have the host and hostess seated, let's seat the guests. Deciding where to put people can seem a gnarly problem, but we have guidelines to help us. Along with our guests' personalities, egos, ages, and preferences to consider, we have a few rules of protocol.
First we must get clear on the rules -- and embrace them. Start with the guest of honor. If one of the guests is clearly the ranking member of the group, say a university president, a senator, or a bishop, then the plan is easy. He or she is to be seated in the place of honor. For a male, that's to the right of the hostess; for a female, it's to the right of the host. Even if the party is being given for someone else, like maybe your visiting sister, the ranking personage sits in first place. If there's no one of official standing present, the oldest female is usually considered the guest of honor and sits on the host's right. She may be supplanted however, on a special occasion, such as a supper to celebrate a performance, an achievement, or a joyous moment in someone's life.
So here we go: The first lady sits to the right of the host, second lady to his left, third lady to the right of the man on the hostess's right, fourth lady to the left of the man to the left of the hostess. The point is that we descend in rank as we go toward the center of the table. This rule applies to both women and men.
The host leads the way into the dining room, escorting the lady to sit at his right. The hostess goes in last with the gentleman who will sit on her right. She goes in first only if the man on her right is the president of the country, or governor of the state.
Except on these rare occasions when we must be careful about protocol, we should apply common sense. One is complimenting, or paying respect to, those persons seated beside the host and hostess, but it's just as important to consider seating the other guests next to dinner partners they will enjoy. And do consider seating arrangements early on, when deciding who should be invited. When deciding on guests, remember the art of conversation involves both talking and listening. The really interested listener is a priceless addition to any group.
Once you finish your guest list and before you actually invite anyone, draw out your table and write in the names. You don't really get a sense of what the dynamic will be until you see it on your homemade diagram. Wise hostesses save their seating plans in a little notebook, with a short entry on what was served and how it all went.
When the party is too big to get everyone around one table, and several tables are set up in the house or on the lawn, or both, seating arrangements can get really difficult. The host and hostess must anchor different tables, he with the lady of honor and she with the gentleman of honor. Every table must have at least one live wire and several active listeners; each table must have at least one person who is "important" among the guests; every table must be a "good" table. This feat can be accomplished easily if you invite people you really enjoy, irrespective of their financial or social positions.
When the party is business-oriented, as it sometimes has to be, or when it's designed to honor someone with his or her own guest list, then go into military mode: Spread your drawing paper out on the kitchen table and have at it. If you're having guests you don't know, try to keep the number down to however many you can comfortably seat in your dining room. Scattering strangers around the house isn't good and can defeat the purpose of the event.
Seating for informal dinners should be planned as carefully as that for formal ones, in that the goal is to assure everyone a congenial couple of hours. Try to alternate talkers with listeners, and give some thought to political leanings, special interests, salty language, and size. Make sure there's going to be ample room for ample people, and make sure ample people have strong chairs under them. If someone's in a wheelchair, allow for easy access to the table as well as extra space at it.
I love family dinner -- the more the merrier. Every family has its own idea as to where the children should sit. Here's mine: Children who have been trained from babyhood to sit still and be quiet are very welcome at my table. If they can't behave, they will just have to be fed by a parent in the kitchen and put down for a nap at mealtime. If they can behave, they are given a choice; sit at the big table and be quiet, or sit at the "children's table," where they are allowed to cut up and carry on to their heart's content. (So long as they stay cheerful; crying children have to leave the room until they get over it.) The little bitty children usually like to sit in a high chair beside their mother at the big table. As they get older, say by the time they're 4 or 5, they seem to gravitate to the "little' table. By the time they are 10 or 12, it all depends on the occasion and the group. In Tennessee, my daughters and their cousins still take spells of wanting to make up their own "little" table out in the family room (even though some of them are married with their own babies), but they're too much fun to spare.
Seating at weddings is not hard, so don't be intimidated. The wedding party is, of course, at the head table -- the bridal table -- with the bride and groom in the center, she on his right, the maid of honor on his left, the best man on the bride's right, and the rest of the bridal party or close friends in the other seats. At the first table, the mother of the bride sits as hostess, with the father of the groom on her right and the priest or rabbi or preacher who preformed the ceremony on her left. The father of the bride sits as host, with the mother of the groom on his right and the rest of the table made up of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. If there is no seating at the reception, there should be at least one table for the bride and groom.
One can attack one's seating charts all alone and seriously achieve excellent results in minimum time. Bit I recommend starting out with a festive spirit and enlisting help, making a game of it. Either way, the extra effort will pay off with a party that's a joy to remember.
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