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The First person I think of when it comes to chivalry is my husband. Don't laugh when I tell you he's my knight in shining armor, because I do not say this lightly. Hal Holbrook is a genuinely chivalrous man, and it's one of the things I love most about him.
I'm not talking about the facts that he has good manners and that he's a gentleman. I'm saying that Hal will go the limit. If a dinner guest comes without an escort, he will go out in the dark, in the rain, just to see her to her car. He opens doors for women, of course, and if there's only one
seat available, he won't sit in it, even if the woman doesn't. And he doesn't even think about it.
When I was filming the TV series Filthy Rich with Delta Burke, she drove her cute little sports car down to the Orange County Performing Arts Center to see Hal's performance of Mark Twain Tonight. We all hung around backstage for the two hours it takes to get the make-up off and get out of the theater, stopped for a late-night supper, and then headed home. So it must have been 1:30 or 2:00am when Delta's fancy little car quit on her. We were close enough to the restaurant that Hal could have easily escorted Delta back there to wait for a tow truck or to figure out some other means of dealing with the situation. Not Hal. He fixed her car himself. Indelibly printed on my memory is the image of Delta hopping up and down on the side of the road, giggling, hugging me, and gushing over and over, "those are Hal Holbrook's legs sticking out from underneath my car."
That's Hal Holbrook for you.
So what is this old thing called chivalry, and here in the year 2000, is it even worth talking about? I think so. But let's just say, first off, that chivalry isn't the same as good manners.
Plain old good manners are not to be taken for granted anymore. We
should all do our best, of course. Gender-free manners have made their way into our lives now, and that's marvelous. Equality-bent politeness has a lot to do with common sense and kindness, and that's marvelous, too. We all should hold doors. (Whoever gets there first should do that, although -- let's be honest -- If I get there first, I won't hold a door for a man, unless his arms are full.) Who gets off the elevator first? If it's crowded, then whoever is closest to the door exits first. It's great to have people taking care of people, which involves good manner, good sense (why create a bottleneck at the elevator?), and sometimes compassion.
However, good manners between men and women are fast becoming
obsolete. Many young men today have no concept of what their responsibilities to women should be. In fact, some think they have no responsibility at all. Perhaps it's because the United States is such a big country. We move so much that we are often surrounded by strangers, and we think it doesn't matter if we treat them badly. So both men and women end up not minding our manners the way we ought to.
But here's my reality: He helps me on with my coat; I don't help him. He offers me his seat; I do not stand for him. In fact, he'd better not take a seat before I do. Whether I take it or not it is my choice. If someone is expecting a baby, she gets the seat first, then someone older, and
so on. Women should be seated before men, and nobody should even think twice about it. As for standing to greet someone, he has to; I don't. For a women to jump up for any stranger at a party is silly. It disallows the
significance of standing for someone we are especially eager to meet or
acknowledge. Even when it comes to shaking hands, a woman may decide wether she wants to or not. Saying "how do you do" is perfectly sufficient.
We should not discard these rules. I do not want the playing field leveled between these sexes. It takes away from the allure of dealing with each
other. Of course, in Hollywood, everyone kisses everyone as if they're all
going off to war that minute, the result being that the most effort to be
mannerly is probably that of trying to conceal one's concern over all the
germs flying around the room.
So much for courtly, mannerly behavior. How about chivalrous behavior, which is even rarer on the scene today?
Centuries ago, back when "knighthood was in flower," chivalry meant
a system of codes with elaborate religious, moral, and social underpinnings. It has historically been the domain of the male sex, as in heroic acts performed for comrades in battle. However, a man doesn't have to be Prince Valiant to be chivalrous. His upbringing and education equip him for courtly behavior, but that's not the only point of the chivalrous act. Chivalry requires going out of one's way to help someone, and even putting oneself in danger. The hallmark of a chivalrous act is not its polish, style, or mannerliness, but how much trouble it was or how much courage it took.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for strong women, physically and mentally. But, yes, most females are still physically the weakest sex. So what? Cleopatra and Elizabeth I had a lot of people opening doors for them.
They liked it. It did not make them mad, and it did not make them any less
powerful. Women, no matter how much power we have, should still appreciate care and protection.
Plus it's fun, and it adds spice to the dance between the sexes. When a certain kind of man helps a woman on with her coat, he gets the smell
of perfume from the back of her neck. When he offers to help her out of the car, and she has practiced how to get out of the car gracefully, and he looks at her legs, and she knows he's looking, and then they go into the evening together, it's a courtship dance. It may not go anywhere, but it's an interplay between a man and a woman that is completely natural and sensual and altogether pleasant. And, no, none of this has to do with her losing any of her power.
When is chivalry appropriate?
When things go wrong. When a tire goes flat, when a fireplace backs up and smoke fills the room, or when there's a mouse in the house. I want the man to kill the mouse or catch it and put it outside on the grass, or whichever he perfers. But I don't want to be the one dealing with that mouse.
When danger rears its head. Tell the truth. When you hear a noise at night, do you want to be the one going downstairs with the poker?
In times of grief. We know women can often endure despair with more fortitude than men, but it can be lifesaving to have a strong shoulder to cry on.
There's a family story that illustrates what I mean, and it doesn't happen to be about a man and a woman. It's about my father, my grandfather, and my great-grandfather. My daddy remembers one night when his grandpa
Carter, my great-grandfather, came into town and offered $100 to any man who would come out to his farm right then and help get his mule out of a well. The mule had stepped on some old boards covering a dry well, and the rotten boards had given way under it. Maddened by terror, the mule was gradually kicking itself deeper into the well. It was bad.
Someone was going to have to straddle a board in a rope sling and let himself be lowered to where the animal was down there pawing the air.
The daunting feat was to get a rope around the crazed mule without getting killed. Grandpa Carter couldn't find anybody who needed the money that badly, so my grandfather said he would do it. Grandpa Carter didn't want his son to risk it, but Papa had made up his mind.
Papa let Daddy, who was probably 9 at the time, go along with him. They walked in the dark, carrying a lantern, out the road to Grandpa's. Daddy remembers the scene vividly. He said it was a very terrifying thing to look down into the well by lantern light and see that mule, eyes rolling wild and red, snorting, kicking, and snapping at the air.
They let Papa down into the well, and he got the rope around the mule's head and forelegs and helped the neighbors haul it up. Then he and
Daddy walked back home.
My father got a lesson he didn't even know he was being taught, one of many such that have informed his actions and reactions for his entire
life, to the great benefit of all around him. Indeed, this event took place
in a rough and unrefined setting, not our idea of a likely environment for
chivalrous behavior. But I believe any heroic act performed for someone
else's good fills the bill.
For me, the ideal man still adheres to the old codes of courage, honor, and courtesy. He has a strong sense of justice and a willingness to help the weak. And, yes, in the year 2000, I think we still need that kind
of man, even if we don't have a mule down the well.
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